


You Have My Heart

by CS_impala67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Parent John Winchester, Coming Out, Fluff, Happy Ending, Homophobic John Winchester, Insecure Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Nervous Dean Winchester, Supportive Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26880220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CS_impala67/pseuds/CS_impala67
Summary: Dean never thought he’d have the courage to confess his biggest secret. He also didn’t know how much confessing that secret would change his life so fast.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	You Have My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I had originally wrote this in 9 separate short parts but I wanted to condense it into a single one-shot. So I have done that here and deleted the other multi-part series.

“Ok nut up Winchester” Dean said to himself, staring in his mirror, trying to give himself a pep talk. “You’ve faced witches and demons. You’ve faced vampires and ghouls, werewolves and ghosts. This is nothing compared to that.”

Dean knew this was something big. And that he wasn’t a wuss for having a hard time with it. But that didn’t make it any easier for him to face it. It was something he’d been ignoring for two decades. Something he’d been hiding from everybody, thanks to his father. John was not the most accepting person. Not even close. And it made Dean’s life so much harder.

“Ugh, ok let’s do this.” Dean said to himself.

He walked out of his bedroom and into the library of the bunker, where his brother sat doing research. He figured it was now or never.  
“Hey, Sammy” he said.

His brother looked up from the lore book he was reading.

“Hey, Dean.” He said. He could probably tell how nervous Dean was, because he looked concerned. “Is everything ok?” Sam asked.

“Yeah. Yeah it’s all good.” Dean replied, not knowing how to start the conversation he really wanted to have.

“Dean. What is it? You know you can tell me anything” Sam said, starting to sound worried.

“Yeah, um, yeah I know. This...this is just...hard to say”

“What did you do Dean? Did you sell your soul? Make another deal? What is it? You are starting to worry me man” Sam replied, starting to get scared.

“No. No, it’s nothing like that Sammy. It’s, um. It’s more of a personal thing.” Dean said, looking at the ground. He really didn’t want to see Sam’s face.

“Dean, just tell me. Whatever it is we can deal with it.”

“Ok Sam. I’m um... I’m Umm. Fuck this is harder than I thought.” Dean said, starting to tear up,

Sam walked up to Dean and put his hand around his shoulder.

“Dean. Whatever it is, you are my brother and I love you”

“Sammy, I’m… I’m gay” Dean whispered.

All Dean heard was silence and he felt his heart start to sink. He hoped Sam wouldn’t hate him but his brain was thinking worst case scenarios.  
He finally looked up to see whatever expression Sam had on his face. Turns out it was a smile.

“Thank you for telling me Dean”

“You aren’t freaked out or upset?” Dean asked.

“Of course, not Dean. I’m honestly a little surprised though. I kind of figured you weren’t straight for years now. But I thought, if anything that you would be bi.”

“Yeah. That doesn’t surprise me” Dean said. “But...um..., all those girls I supposedly slept with? Most of them I embellished what happened. And the few I actually did sleep with, I had to think of a guy to even, uh, perform if ya know what I mean” He chuckled self-deprecatingly. 

“Why didn’t you just hook up with guys then Dean?” Sam asked.

“It’s a long story.” Dean said sadly.

“I’ve got time” Sam replied

“Alright then sit down and I’ll explain everything” 

Sam sat down next to Dean and tried to put on his most supportive face.

“So, I uh, I realized I was gay when I was about 13, I guess. At least somewhere around there. Once puberty started to hit. You know, most guys start looking at girls a little different. I’d hear other guys in school talk about how pretty this girl was, or how much they wanted to kiss her. I never felt that. And honestly, for a while I just figured I was defective or something. Still do sometimes. Sometimes I wish, more than anything, that I could look at a woman and feel something, ya know” Dean said, rubbing his eyes as he teared up a little. He didn’t want to cry though. He needed to get through this.

“So anyway, there I was, 13 years old with all the other guys checking out girls. And I felt nothing. But that was until I saw Ryan McKinney. Man, he was cute. I just figured that any guy could look at another guy and think that though. I didn’t realize the implications at the time. But soon after that, I was in some gas station with Dad and we passed by the magazine rack. You know, Busty Asian Beauties and all that. But there was another magazine there that I realized later was a gay magazine. That one caught my attention. So, while Dad wasn’t looking, I stole it. Put it under my shirt so no one would see and hid it until Dad left one night to go to a bar. You were like 9 at the time and you fell asleep early. I figured I had some time before Dad got back. I got in the second bed and started looking through the magazine I stole.  
You can probably figure out what I started doing” Dean said with a chuckle.  
“Well, unfortunately for me, Dad forgot his wallet. He came back to the hotel room while I was in the middle of my, well you know...” He said blushing.  
“I jumped when he opened the door and ended up chucking the mag to the side. Dad could tell I was having some alone time and laughed a little. But then he went to pick up the magazine I threw. Sammy. I have never seen Dad go from laughing to pissed off that fast. He dragged me out of bed so fast I barely had time to zip my jeans back up before he threw me outside. He then dragged me into the Impala and just started yelling. Called me a fag. Told me I was a disgrace. He, he, fuck” a few tears escaped Dean’s eyes.  
“ He backhanded me so hard, Sammy, that my head slammed into the window. Fuck. I know you were young, but do you remember back then when Dad said a freaking bird flew into the passenger window on Baby?” Dean asked Sam.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do. I remember thinking it must have been a huge bird to have splintered the glass that bad.” Sam replied.

“Yeah, well that bird? That was really my fucking head cracking into the glass from him hitting me. I was so fucking scared Sammy. I’d never seen him that mad. He told me no son of his was a fucking queer. He said if he ever caught me doing something like that again, that he would throw me to a Wendigo so that he never had to look at me again.” By this point Dean was openly crying. Reliving that was harder than his 40 years in hell.

“I was just so scared Sammy. So, I hid that part of myself. Once I was old enough, I started to pick up chicks where Dad could see so he wouldn’t be mad. I realized quick, if I just thought of fucking a guy, and closed my eyes, I could at least fake it sometimes. Didn’t always work out. Sometimes I couldn’t get it up and the girl  
would start to get pissed, so I’d just get her off quick and leave. I got really good at some things I never even wanted to do.” Dean said with a watery laugh.

“Dean! Man, I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that. I knew Dad was an asshole, but I never realized why you always tried so hard to please him.” Sam said, astonished at what his brother had to go through. “Why didn’t you tell me? At least after Dad died. Did you think I would judge you? I would never have!”

“I know Sammy. It’s just, after 16 years of hiding by that point, it’s not like it was easy to just come out. I got so used to hiding it that I just kept doing it. There were times I wanted to tell you so bad. And even though I knew deep down you wouldn’t give a shit; I was just too afraid. What if I was wrong? You were the only family I had left. If I took a chance and told you, and it went bad, I would have been alone. I just, I couldn’t chance it.” He said quietly as the tears continued.

Sam got up and walked over to Dean. He knelt down in front of him and pulled him into a bone crushing hug. That only made Dean cry harder. Finally, a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

“Dean, you will always be my big brother. You will always be the person I look up to. No matter what, I will always love you. And I don’t care that you are gay. Just promise me one thing.” He said

“What Sammy?”

“Stop picking up girls and please just start picking up guys like you want to” he said with a smirk.

Dean laughed. “Yeah well that was one of the reasons I finally confessed all this. I’m sick of picking up girls when what I have wanted for years is so close.”

“What do you mean?” Sam asked.

“Just think about it for a minute. Think back over the last 13 years ago and tell me you don’t know what I really want? You can’t have been that oblivious if you thought I was at least Bi” Dean said with a smile.

A sudden realization hit Sam. “Cas!” He said with awe.

“Yeah Sammy. Ever since he walked into that barn 13 years ago, I’ve been trying to hide how I feel. But I’m done hiding. I’m in love with Cas, Sammy.” Dean said.

“Dean...you are in love with me?” Dean heard Cas say. He turned around wide eyed and there was Cas in the doorway. He panicked. He wasn’t expecting to confront him right now with his feelings. He already felt so raw from admitting everything to Sam. He froze for a second before he ran towards the hallway by his bedroom. Once he got there, he locked the door and sank down in front of it. He didn’t know what to do. He suddenly felt so vulnerable about everything he admitted today. He didn’t know how to face Cas since he heard his confession before Dean was ready for it.

Dean continued freaking out for a few minutes until he heard a knock on his door. He knew it had to be Cas. Who else could it be?

“Yeah?” He answered.

“Dean, can I please come in?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, sure, whatever” Dean answered as he stood and went to sit back on his bed.

Cas entered the room slowly. It was obvious he wasn’t sure what to do. Dean could relate. This was all new to him too. He’d been in love with Cas so long. But he was gay and still a gay sex virgin, if there was such a thing. He waved Cas over to sit next to him on the bed. Cas hesitated but eventually sat next to him.

“So...” Cas started before Dean interrupted him

“Cas, I’m sorry I never told you. I’ve wanted to be with you for so long. But it never felt right to me. I’ve...uh... never been with a guy so it was not easy. How much did you hear of my conversation with Sam?”

“I walked in as you were saying you were in love with me.” Cas quietly replied.

“Ok so...yeah I’m in love with you.”

“What else did you discuss then?” Cas asked.

“Heh...a lot. It all boils down to the fact that I’m gay, have always been gay, but have been too afraid to act on it. But I’m sick of pretending and I love you.” Dean said while choking up.

“So where does that leave us then?” Cas asked.

“Well, that depends on how you feel about me.” Dean answered shyly, not knowing for sure how Cas felt about him.

“Well, first off, I love you too. And um...I’d kind of...like you to be my uh...boyfriend? Is that the right term?” Cas asked unsurely.

Dean laughed “I’d love to be your boyfriend Cas.” Dean stated. “I’d love to see where this goes.” 

Cas smiled that gummy smile that Dean loved so much.

“I want to go slow though.” Dean said seriously. “I’ve never been with a guy Cas. And honestly, my dad fucked me up a lot, to the point where I’m worried that I might never be fully comfortable with a guy. At least intimately.” Dean bit his bottom lip worriedly.

“Dean. I will never push you for more than you are willing to give. I won’t lie. I would love to have sex with you, and be that close and intimate. But honestly, even if you never want or feel comfortable having sex with me, I will still love you and want to be will you Dean. You mean so much more to me than sex.” Cas said honestly.

Dean had tears in his eyes that started to stream down his face. “Thanks Cas. You have no idea what that means to me to hear. Will you, um...”

“Will I what Dean?”

“Could you lay with me tonight? I don’t want anything sexual, I uh, just want to feel close to you,” Dean admitted shyly.

“Of course, Dean. I’d be happy to lay with you.” Cas said and then started chuckling.

“What’s so funny?” Dean asked self-consciously.

“I’m just remembering when you would freak out about me watching you sleep. And now you are asking me to sleep with you. We’ve come so far.” He smiled.  
Dean started chuckling too. They both got comfortable and laid together in Dean’s bed. Dean had his head on Cas’ chest and Cas was running his fingers through Dean’s hair. They both fell asleep in a loving embrace.

Dean woke up slowly, to the feeling of warmth surrounding him. It took him a few moments to realize where he was and what he was feeling. He was used to waking up alone, with one hand close to his pillow, ready to draw his weapon he hid under there if needed. But he felt different this morning.  
As he slowly came to, he started remembering the events of the night prior. Coming out to Sam. Telling Sam he loved Cas. Cas overhearing and Dean fleeing. Cas finding Dean in his bedroom. Dean admitting to Cas how he felt and declaring themselves boyfriends (wow that felt weird to even think). And then falling asleep cuddling together. Now, Dean realized they both must have moved during the night because he was currently being spooned by Cas.

He felt safe and loved. That’s when he also realized that Cas’ morning wood was very prominent and pressed against his ass. He started to freak out. He wasn’t ready for anything physical yet. Hell, they hadn’t even kissed yet. He felt like an idiot because it’s not like he hadn’t had sex yet. It was just with the wrong gender. He wasn’t even sure himself why he was freaking out so much about the thought of having sex with Cas. He’d heard of guys having “gay panic” but he couldn’t understand why he would. He knew for a fact he was gay. Had known for over 20 years. But he still felt so nervous and insecure about it. As he was internally panicking, Cas had started grinding against him. Dean started freaking out more and tried to pull himself away, but Cas just gripped him harder.

“Cas!” Dean yelled in his panic. Dean felt Cas tense and then release him as Dean quickly pulled himself free and sat up away from him.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I was asleep. I know you aren’t ready. I’m so sorry.” Cas said, sounding so guilty. Dean could tell Cas really didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable though.

“Cas, it’s ok. I’m not upset at you. I was just freaking out and had to put some space between us. I’m sorry I’m not ready for anything. It’s not that I’m not attracted to you. I hope you know it’s not you.” Dean replied, feeling guilty that even after over a decade of being in love he still couldn’t be intimate yet.

Cas reached out and grabbed Dean’s hand. “Dean, please don’t feel guilty. I’m happy just being able to be in a relationship with you. I love you and I respect that you aren’t ready for anything. And I’m just really happy I can call you my boyfriend.” Cas said, sounding so genuine it made Dean melt.

Dean gripped Cas’ hand and leaned forward to press a chaste kiss on his lips. Cas froze, not expecting any physical contact like that. But then he pressed back though gently. As they parted, they both had dopey smiles on their faces as they looked in each other’s eyes.

“Thanks for understanding me Cas. I love you so much babe.” Cas preened at the use of the endearment.

“I like that, you calling me babe” Cas said shyly, a slight blush on his cheeks.

“Well get used to it Cas. I’ll be calling you babe a lot. Seeing as you are my boyfriend and all now.” Dean said with a wink.

Dean felt so good after sleeping the night with his Angel. Of course, it was literal sleeping because he was SOOO not ready for sex yet. He knew it sounded stupid that he wasn't ready yet and it kinda made him feel like a virgin girl on prom night.  
But he couldn't help how he felt at the moment. He knew he loved Cas and he was happy to be able to call him his boyfriend. He loved it honestly. But he wasn't sure that he would be able to be as comfortable around anyone else. Luckily, he didn't have to worry too much.

Dean and Cas got out of bed and made their way to the kitchen in the bunker, both hungry and needing coffee to start the day. Dean was a nervous wreck. He literally just came out less than 12 hours ago and all of a sudden, he had a full-on boyfriend. Which he definitely didn't expect to have so soon after coming out to Sam. He knew Sam accepted him as being gay. But that was a little different than seeing him actually being with another guy. Fuck, his life would be so much easier if he was straight. He had wished countless times over the last 20 plus years that he could be straight. Life would obviously have been so much easier if he was straight instead of just trying to pretend, he was. With all of the other shit he had dealt with, why couldn't one thing in his life be easy? But of course, he was Dean Winchester. And easy didn't come to him ever. The only positive was at least he was with Cas now. He had fantasized so much over the last almost decade that he could end up with Cas. He was so his type. Tall, handsome, and domineering. That was so hot to Dean. He wanted someone stronger than him. Someone who could maybe rough house him and manhandle him a little, while being strong enough to take care of him too. Dean always tried to portray himself as an alpha male. He definitely overcompensated with the hyper masculine bullshit because he was terrified someone would realize he wasn't actually like that. He pretended he hated chick flicks and chick flick moments and romance and all of that shit. But he was secretly into all of that and was a romantic at heart. He hoped Cas would eventually realize all of this and that he could have everything he ever wanted. He knew it was gonna be hard to adjust and get away from all of the fake personality traits he portrayed over the years. But he was looking forward to Cas breaking all of his walls and really letting him in. There was a lot of things about himself that he wanted to show Cas eventually. He hoped Cas would accept the real him and be ok with the fact that it was different than how he normally portrayed himself.

Dean thought a lot about this as they made their way into the kitchen. When they got there, Sam was already up. He looked up from his bowl of cereal as he heard them come in. He smiled when he saw they came in together.

"Hey guys. You talk last night?" he asked with a smile.

Before Dean could respond, Cas proudly said "Yes Sam we talked and we are together now."

Dean flushed bright red at that. He saw Sam smirking.

"Oh, I bet you did a lot of talking huh?" Sam responded with a wink.

Dean panicked and felt flustered. "Fuck you Sam." he said as he left and fled back to his bedroom. Fuck this was a lot harder than he thought as he flopped down on his bed and tried to pretend nothing happened.  
Dean was still flopped on his bed and panicking when he heard a knock at his door.

“Come in.” he called from his bed.

Sam walked in and sat next to him “Are you ok Dean? I didn’t mean to make you upset, whatever I did. I’m sorry.” He said so earnestly.

It took Dean a minute but he finally rolled over and sat up. He rubbed his hand over his face before looking at his brother. “I know I’ve always been pretty trashy when it comes to talking about sex. But uh... can we not do that anymore?” He asked sheepishly.

Sam looked at him funny for a minute. That didn’t surprise him though. He was sure Sam didn’t ever expect him to all of a sudden be a prude about sex.  
“Is it because you are having sex with a guy now Dean? You know that doesn’t bother me, right?” Sam asked.

“That’s not… that’s not exactly it.” Dean started. He still felt kind of stupid that he was so nervous about the whole gay sex thing.

“Of course if you don’t want to talk about your sexcapades I won’t push. But you know I don’t think anything different about you I hope?” he asked with his puppy dog eyes.

“No Sam, its…” Fuck. He still felt like a virgin now. “Cas and I did not have sex last night.” He finished saying.

“Wow really?” he sounded shocked,

“Really Sam. I’m uh…I’m not actually ready to have sex with him yet.” Dean confessed.

“Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” Sam tried to joke.

“Please don’t joke about this now. It’s hard on me alright?” Dean lamented.

“Sorry Dean.” Sam sounded ashamed. “It’s just…this isn’t like you. I’m used to you trying to brag about all of the sex you have had. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah I know. But this is different. All of those times I was trying to overcompensate for what I really wanted. But now it’s…well its real. And I’ve never actually been with a guy so I’m nervous as hell and I’m not ready. So please just don’t joke. Me and Cas are together now. But he promised to go slow for me. And I know I deserve a good ribbing after the shit I’ve made fun of you for over the years. But I’d uh… I’d appreciate if you’d cut me some slack just this once.” Dean admitted shyly.

“Fuck Dean of course. I won’t mention it again. I love you. I’m just happy you guys are together.”

“Yeah Sammy. Me too.” Dean smiled. He couldn’t wait to see where the relationship went from here.

Sammy left the room and Dean laid down on his bed, his thoughts all over the place. He felt embarrassed that he fled like he did. It still wasn’t gay panic, but it was definitely some kind of panic. And it made him feel stupid. Cas was his boyfriend now. He knew he loved him, was in love with him. And Cas promised he didn’t expect sex anytime soon. So why was Dean feeling scared? He couldn’t understand why. And it was sort of pissing him off too. He had dreamed of being with Cas for years. He had also had a few graphic fantasies as well, not that he would admit that to anyone quite yet. But he couldn’t figure out why he was so nervous and panicked right now. While he was busy letting his brain overthink everything, he heard a knock on his door.

“Come in” he said.

Cas slowly opened the door and shut it behind him. “Hello Dean” he said nervously.

“Hey Cas. Come here.” He said as he patted the side of the bed next to him.

Cas slowly made his way to the bed and sat down next to Dean “Are you OK Dean?” he asked shyly.

“Yeah Cas. I’m sorry for running out before. I kind of panicked and didn’t know what else to do.” He said honestly.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable Dean. That was never my intention.” Cas said as he looked down at his lap looking so upset.

“No Cas. That wasn’t your fault at all. I’m sorry I acted like an ass. I’m just…I’m so new to this and its freaking me out a little bit. But it’s not because of you. Sammy assuming, we   
had sex is what freaked me out.” He said blushing.

“I’m sorry the thought of having sex with me bothers you Dean.” He said sounding ashamed.

“No love, no. that’s not it. I’m not ashamed about us. And I’d love to have sex with you soon. It’s just…” he closed his eyes and looked down. “I’ve never had sex with someone I’ve been in love with, let alone a guy ok. Before, it was all about trying to pretend I was straight. So, sex has literally meant nothing to me in the past. You are the first person that sex will mean something with. And that thought scares me.” He said shrugging.

Cas smiled “Dean, I’ll wait forever for you to be ready to be that intimate with me. But just know, you are the love of my life. I never thought I would even have that because as an angel, we were taught to be clinical. But once I met you, I rebelled to be by your side. I will always be by your side. And I will never pressure you for more than you are willing to give.” Cas leaned close and kissed Deans forehead.

As Cas was talking, Dean started to feel tears fall from his eyes. “God, I love you so much. I promise I won’t run away again as long as you promise not to leave me” He said

“I’ll never leave you Dean. You have my heart forever.”


End file.
